Heavy Heart, Boggled Mind
During this time of civil unrest it is easy to feel overwhelmed with all that we’re seeing and hearing. As if COVID-19 wasn’t enough to deal with, over the last couple of weeks we’ve also been bombarded with images of people protesting in response to the brutal killing of George Floyd. Initially, I had convinced myself that I wasn’t going to watch any of the videos that were circulating depicting Mr. Floyd’s death because I have already seen countless videos of white cops using brutal force on black people. I had seen enough. I had read enough articles, and seen countless movies. However, I don’t care how many times you’ve seen these images, if you have a soul and an ounce of decency about yourself, you WILL be affected. There is no way to just turn off the hurt that your heart feels watching a man murdered over foolishness, yet again. Blinking back the tears doesn’t erase the fact that the tears came about as a result of the injustice you’ve just witnessed.
Hatred is a scary thing. It’s not something that we can identify just by looking at someone. Now don’t get me wrong, there are people who will make you feel uneasy when you’re around them because there’s something questionable about the energy they give off. More often than not, you can’t put to words what it is about the person that makes you feel uneasy , but you NEVER forget that feeling. Every single time you’re around that person- “wham” that weird feeling springs back up in the pit of your belly and your guard is up. At least that’s how I feel. When my girls were younger we spent countless hours at the park. Without any hesitation, they would play with any of the kids present regardless of their skin color. That was never a factor to determine friendship since all they saw were other children to play with. Which automatically equated to more fun; good times on the swings (which I absolutely adore) and the slides. Seeing the innocence of children at play reminds me that we weren’t born with hatred in our hearts, but its taught and ignorance keeps it alive.
Recently I’ve had to have some difficult conversations with my girls about race, racism, tolerance, and self love. There’s no way I could act like they’re not affected by what they’re seeing and hearing. I wish I could shield them from the ugliness that presents itself in the world, but I can’t. After all they are young black females in America, who love the black men in their lives. Knowing this breaks my heart because I know how much they love all of them. I have to struggle with feelings of uneasiness wondering if they will have to experience racism in their lifetimes and how they’ll handle their first encounter. Looking into their eyes and having to explain that there are people out there who will hate them because of the color of their skin is heart wrenching.
“One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” This is a line from The Pledge of Allegiance. I don’t know how many times I’ve recited that pledge as a young child in elementary school but not having an understanding what I was reciting. Now that I’m am adult I have so many questions and concerns about the current plight of a country I’m currently in a one sided relationship with.
