I Want More

For years I had been around people who made me feel bad for wanting more out of certain areas of my life. In my former marriage I desired more than just the title of wife, I yearned to be seen, heard, and appreciated. I needed more than an occassional moment of acknowledgement because of a birthday or an anniversary. To me, it was possible to feel appreciated everyday, not a designated day. I needed to be celebrated for who I am, not for who somebody thought I should be. During that season of my life, no one around me understood that. Looking back I now understand why. Most of them were settling, existing, trying to make due with lives of mediocracy, and using scriptures to combat the disappointment they would never admit out loud, yet their eyes betrayed them and uncovered their secrets. The moment I opened up my heart and tried to convey the longings I had for a deeper connection in my former relationship, I’d hear things like “at least he’s not putting his hands on you” or “he’s got a job and he’s contributing to the bills” and my absolute favorite line -“it could be worse” (compared to what other women have to endure). Hearing those words made me feel like I was complaining about nothing and that I was being ungrateful. Afterall, I could have chosen to focus on something else. So I began to shrink within myself. I kept my head down and tried not to stir the waters anymore by talking about my feelings.

The longing for more came to me at a former workplace where the work environment was extremely toxic but I was blessed enough to meet some amazing people while I was there. Although it crushed my spirit to show up there everyday, little did I know that while I was there I would be acquiring the skills needed to step into the next chapter of my life. I wanted more from a place of employment than what I was receiving at the time. But as the old saying goes, “nothing happens before the time” so no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t close that chapter of my life until it was the absolute right time. I don’t believe in coincidences, chance encounters, or luck. However, I wholeheartedly believed then and still believe to this day that God is ordering my steps. Despite the bouts of discouragement I’d have to fight through, my motivation for showing up everyday at that job was the fact that my bills needed to be paid. My children needed to have food in their bellies, clothes on their backs, a roof over their heads, and basically all of their needs had to be met. When I was married my motivation to remain in a toxic relationship was that I wanted my family to stay in tack, and I didn’t want to be seen as another statistic. Eventually I realized that it takes two mature selfless individuals to make a relationship work. It didn’t matter what I did, it was a lost cause and holiding on was just killing me on the inside, chipping at my joy every single day. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the woman looking back at me. In this woman’s eyes there was a lot of sadness, a deep sorrow that couldn’t be prayed away either. I wanted more. I needed more and despite what I was going through at the time I believed that there was more for me in life. I just had no idea what felt like a prison sentence would end. There had to light at this very dark tunnel.

Fast forward a couple of years and I realize that my desire for more has served as an indicator that where I was at that particular moment of my life wasn’t where I wanted to be any longer. Back then it was like I was trying to squeeze into a size 3 shoe knowing without any doubt that I wear a 6 and a half. The discomfort was proof that I literally outgrown my current situation. I couldn’t and wouldn’t normalize toxicity and that made me open to stepping out on fatih to find my way out of that situationship and stagnant career path.

Is wanting more a bad thing? Does it make you ungrateful, self-centered? I don’t think so. Everytime that longing begins to pop up in my life, I find myself getting propelled into an entirely new chapter of my life. This excites me and scares me at the same time because all of these “what if” thoughts keep floating around in my mind. The older I get, the more I welcome and appreciate the fear. Lately, my motto has been to do it afraid, and to use the fear as fuel. I encourage anyone who has a longing, a desire for more out of life to begin to look inwardly. Examine every aspect of your life and determine if where you currently are is where you want to be.

#IWantMore #MyDreamsMatter